Dispatches From Home: Day 18

Or: “how is it STILL March?”

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I made these scones last week, which seems like years ago.

I’ve been inadvertently holding my breath a lot recently. I’m also finding it hard to breathe all the way to the bottom of my lungs. I’m not sick (thankfully), it just feels like there’s a huge weight on my rib cage all the time.

Time moves differently as we get deeper into quarantine. The first week felt frantic — I spent most of it on the phone or video chatting with friends, which was fun but exhausting. As the second week dragged on, it became harder to sustain conversations. And this week — what is there to say anymore? I feel so anxious and it makes me irritable and my entire body itches. I want to be alone, but I hate being alone.

Basic things are difficult now. Even getting through a list of movies or TV shows I’ve been looking forward to watching seems impossible. How are people getting their regular work or creative projects done during this crisis? I have ideas, but my energy’s at zero when it comes to actually doing anything. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I thought I might use this blog to track the way this situation changed and developed over time, so that I could one day look back at this period of my life and understand how things unfolded, but I’m quickly realizing that this won’t be necessary. I have no desire to revisit this time after it ends.